Have I forgotten anything?

So this week my very good friend went back to work.
Her husband is a corrections officer stationed back in my old stomping grounds of Orange County Ny. Even though he is making more money than they ever did when they were both working, the cost of fuel with his commute home every other week coupled with rising heat costs has forced her back into the work force.

She is the mother of four. Three of whom are aged four and under...well three and under, soon to be four. She was so glad to finally be able to stay at home with her kids, in her new home they recently purchased. But her old job called her and asked her to come back, and I was available to care for the kids, as I had her oldest son and the younger ones throughout the years and so it goes.


It has been hectic. Last weekend was a non stop whirlwind for me, and then on Monday morning, there were seven. Children that is. They are so good. And it is a very rewarding job. But Im feeling a bit tired, not to mention that my little Princess, as well as my friends little Princess, both had puking spells this week. Hers was on Weds. My daughters was this morning. I now feel like my stomach is doing flip flops.

It is naptime, so I am doing a quick blog to connect my thoughts and clear my head.
I am half packed, the favors and manicure tools are packed with the directions, my dress and shoes are ready. I need hose and some sort of bra...although honestly, I do not.....My Princess is packed and ready, the Princes' clothing is ready to go. I need to sew a button on my Darling's suit jacket because I prefer the navy one and he wore the other to Bridget's wedding last month. I have her card. I should've dyed my hair and I really need to double check my eyebrows again. I have made the arrangements for the doggies. My very sweet husband cleaned out the fridge for me last night. So really, everything needs to go into suitcases, and I need to polish the few words I will be called upon to say. And I know what I want to say.

Now if I havent forgotten anything. And as long as I don't get sick tommorrow.
My sister, my oldest friend in all the world gets married! I am so excited. It is also the first time that me and my husband head back to Niagra Falls since our honeymoon. So I'm also a bit nostalgic.

SO I am off and running. Quite eager to leave my little one horse town for a few days and celebrate a new beginning with the folks I love.

I Love My Husband.

It's really easy with the daily grind of life to take the simple things for granted.

You know, things like hugs when you walk in the door and kisses before dozing off.

Our family life is hectic. I have never been one who did anything the "easy" way.

So, here I am at 33 with three beautiful active children, an equally beautiful husband ( boy, they hate to be called that, but he is a looker) and a very hectic yet satisfying life. Its not without it's ups and downs, and I am not, of course, without my days of longing to run away....but for the most part, it's what I always wanted.



There are things I never expected. And I will be brief and vague about them, for the sake of privacy. Ok, I never expected to gain as much weight as I did. And I never, ever expected that weight gain to have the impact on me that it did. But it did none the less. I was a skinny child, and until I had my second child, a skinny adult. I gained a ridiculous amount of weight during that pregnancy. I didnt lose it before having child number three.

I only gained 23 pounds with my third child. I lost thirty afterwards. Still fat.



Weight gain has affected me in ways I didnt think it could. I avoided social situations. I avoided intimacy. I lost my self confidence, and felt completely unatractive. And I saw firsthand that there is a stigma and there is discrimination of heavy people. There are also health issues. My blood pressure sky rocketed, I became at risk for diabetes and my migraines spiked uncontrollably and threatened to ruin my life. Sounds a little melodramatic, I know. Don't judge till you've had one every day for two weeks.

I was very depressed. I had a hard time keeping up with things in my daily life.



This isnt brief or vague.....jeez.



Okay, so last October I decided once and for all to make some changes.



I did alot of research about Migraine medication. I have tried more than I care to list, and it is probably the reason why aspirin causes turmoil in my stomach. So I came across Topomax. It seemed too good to be true. It worked daily to reduce Migraines and was a mood stabilizer to control bipolar disorder. How's that for vague? Most bipolar meds stifle creativity....not to mention turning you into a drooling , shuffling zombie. I talked to my Doctor and she said Okay Lets try it!



There were other side effects. Soda tasted like battery acid. So in two days I broke my decade long addiction to Coca Cola. In the first week I was down seven pounds and no migraines. With that impetus, I gave up sweets, refined sugars, red meat, pork, and most junk food. I joined the Get Fit! Program for 13 weeks at the YMCA. I lost just under 40 pounds.



I still get a monthly migraine, but it'snot usually so bad I have to stay in bed. That hasnt happened in twenty years. I can keep up with kids, work, housework, cub scouts...you name it! I am now 11 months later, really close to my goal. Yesterday I tried on a dress that was a size 8. I put it on and I zipped it up. It was too tight. But I zipped it up. By next month....I should be there. I gave myself a year. I didnt lose it too fast. I didnt do a gimmick diet. I modified my behavior because I needed to do something for myself.



But the best part of all this is the bonus of reaction from Tom. I have to say that regardless of what I weighed, his desire for me never faltered. I never, ever felt less loved.



I bought a different dress yesterday for my sisters wedding. I bought a very cute Chocolate Satin number that is a halter style dress. Its kind of form fitting, but is cinched across the abdomen and makes the trouble area look...well, not really " troubled" at all.



I found perfect Chocolate ruffled peep toe stillettos to match.



Yesterday I tried it on for him. I can't recall what he said because his words were a bit ..well he was stammering a little. But he liked it. Then this morning I recieved a message on myspace from my Darling titled "The Dress"
Subject:
"The Dress"
Body:
You looked so wonderful in your new dress. I can't keep thinking about how beautiful you looked. Thanks for a great night, I love you babe.


And sometimes, on great occasions...that man leaves me at a loss for words.

I'm so glad he's mine. I love you too babe.

Love is a Mix Tape

I recently read the very awesome Love is a Mix Tape by Rolling Stone's ( among many others...) Rob Sheffield. If you are in your thirties, or even late twenties or early forties....take a gander at this gem. Please. This music loving, reformed wild child Momma former Librarian begs you.....

It is a memoir of his time spent with his late wife. Yes, it has some very hairy parts that are tough on your heart. But, it a wonderfully crafted homage to music and love. Especially the music of the nineties. After I read this book I wrote the blog " Waitress in the Sky".
It may just stir up a little something in you. Or at the very least, remind you of that person you swore you would be, back when it mattered so very much.


So here's the question I pose of you, inspired by this wonderful book as well as the killer blog clever girl goes blog.blogspot.com.

What would you put on your ultimate mix tape?

Here's mine:

Born to Run-Springsteen - Its been my favorite song as long back as I can remember. This love of all things Bruce was passed to me from my Mom and Aunt Jo ( my namesake) as was her original Lp on vinyl. This may be where the "proud working class American how dare you question my patriotism" thing comes from.
Evangeline-The Band -I like the version from the Last Waltz with Emmylou Harris. I love this song, it stays with you for a bit after it ends.
Jackson-Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash -Shining example of why I don't have to defend loving country music as much as every other genre I love.
Ready or Not-Jackson Browne- I was once young, single and pregnant. I swear to god Jackson Browne helped get me through it. This song used to make me HAPPY, so happy I would dance around my room singing this to the little baby boy in my belly, named Jackson.
Paradise by The Dashboard Light-Meatloaf - Cheesy you say, Ha! If you are alone in your car, and you are not cranking this at full volume and singing your heart out, you missed out. I used to do a killer Kareoke version of this with my friend Scott, back when I was a drinker.
Franklins Tower- The Grateful Dead -It makes me want to dance, and Roll Away.
Last Day of Our Aquaintance-Sinead O'Connor -If you've ever been there, you know. You just know by the pain in her voice.
Barracuda-Heart -I love the Wilson girls. And thanks to Guitar Hero, I love it more.
My Sister-Julianna Hatfield -Long Story, very cool and influential chick in my life. And great story involving my sister and the ride to see JH just trying to get her to "her first all ages show"
Frankie and Johnnie-Sam Cooke - I'm a jealous woman on occasion. And I really dig Sam Cooke.
Fascinating Rythm-Ella Fitzgerald -I love Ella. And I can really show off my stuff on this tune.
Harvest Moon-Neil Young - Reminds me of me and Tommy. And makes me teary eyed everytime I hear it. How odd is it that a song Ive been hearing my whole life suddenly takes on new meaning and has that effect?
Sugar in My Bowl-Nina Simone - Horniest song ever written, sung as only Ms Simone can do.
Tenth Avenue Freeze oUt- Springsteen - Listen to it without moving. I dare you.
I shall Be Released-Bob Dylan -Not much for spirituals or hymns. For me, that is what this song totally is. At this moment in time, in 2008 in America, I find this song very comforting and somehow uplifting.
Levon-Elton John -Just love it. Always have. Its really kind of a weird song.
Going to California-Led Zeppelin- My favorite Zeppelin song. It reminds me of Tom. Thats reason enough to love it.


Write one. It does your soul good. And listen to it darn it.

I chose mine this way:

I HAVE to listen to these song blasting. I just can't do them at normal volume.

Enjoy. Have a nice day. Be good to one another!

My Sista is gonna be a Bride!

Da Dum Dee Dum, Da Dum Dee Dum....

Or however the Wedding March seems to go in your head. That's how it goes in mine. So my lil Sista is getting hitched! She will be doing a very small ceremony at the Lower Falls O'Niagra for immediate family. And a nice big reception/BBQ next summer for everyone else.

I am the Matron of Honor. Oooh, the chills. There's something about Matron that makes me think "blue hair." Is it just me ladies? But I am sooo excited. And its not too fancy, so I can pick out my own attire and not be stressed. The most wonderful thing about all of this is that Jen and Ben will be married. They have their house, their doggie, their kitty....and plenty of time to put up with people asking them when they will have a baby!

So here's my advice to them on that one. Kids are great. And they will be the greatest challenge of your lives, and undoubtedly the greatest source of joy you may ever know. They are also a lifetime commitment. So, if you would like to do some traveling...say Europe or the like. Maybe wait a few years. Give yourself some time with your husband first. But then, you can always bring that baby to Aunt Jo's too.

Enjoy your time as Newlyweds....It doesnt last forever. Things move faster these days. Enjoy each other. Make time for one another and communicate. This time is precious, and you always smile when you look back and think about it. Always.

I am so proud of my sister. She is a dynamo. Jennifer lives life with purpose and direction I wish I had. She's brilliant, reserved and motivated to be the best she can be. She's overcome adversity and life threatening illnesses. There is nothing that she cannot do. There are many people in my life that I consider my Heroes. I use heroic as an attribute to describe my sister, because I believe that we have yet to see her very best.....and it may knock our socks off when we do.

So I extend Best Wishes to Jennifer and Ben. Ben, you are a very lucky guy. I am glad my sister has been blessed to have found a kind, caring good man like yourself. Welcome to our Dysfunctional Family.


Wedding is September 27th. I will update with photos afterwards.

and down will come baby...

Sometimes I think that i am living in a Bob Seeger song. Seriously. I am Running against the Wind, so to speak. I do not mean this in a good way.
This will be an especially dreary post, and I'm sure it won't be long lived. But for the time being, I am melancholy. I don't know what or who I should be, only that I am no longer cutting it. It seems that I constantly do and say the wrong things. Those I look to for guidance in these matters are the ones who seem completely opposed to me at my core.

Normally, I don't care what anyone thinks. But this is different. This is my heart. Where did I go wrong that I have become such an incompetent moron? And why did a strong, self confident woman become one who lives inside her head questioning her every move, crippled with anxiety?

I am so tired of always ending up being wrong, after trying my damndest to always do the right thing and appease everyone. I am just so tired. I am very disapointed in myself. I am disapointed in alot of things. Mostly I hate that I have gotten so good at being a gracious loser, and appologizing for things I shouldnt. But that is the way of my world. And now I have to get back to my life, full of people who depend on me for more than they even realize, and yet think I am very unimportant. But hey, this pity party is over and my big girl pants are on.